Just Hold On
by DiamondHexagons3000
Summary: Castiel knows that he should've died a long time ago. So when he attempts suicide and nearly successfully ends his life, how will the Winchesters react? Is there anything left for Cas to hold on to?


_Castiel's P.O.V._

I didn't deserve anything. Not anymore. I didn't deserve my Grace being returned. I didn't deserve the forgiveness of my father or the Winchesters. I didn't deserve any of it.

I had killed hundreds of my own brothers and sisters. I was part of the reason all the angels had fell. They knew it. I was Heaven's most wanted. They all hated me. They all could care less if I died. That's why I did what I did.

I held the angel blade in both hands. What I was about to do, should've happened a long time ago. But it needed to happen. Taking a deep breath, knowing it was one of my last, I stabbed the blade through my stomach. A searing pain went through me and that's the last thing I knew.

* * *

 _Dean's P.O.V._

We hadn't heard from Cas for days. No texts, no calls, no nothing. We pulled up to the bunker, returning from our most recent hunt which had been in Colorado. Not one, not two, but three vengeful spirits had been killing people. Sam had almost been killed in the process of burning their remains. We were exhausted to say the least and that meant that Castiel was not the first thing on our minds.

Sam headed straight for his bedroom and I did for mine. I frowned as I felt something was wrong. I didn't know what, but something, something bad, happened here while we were gone. I turned my door handle, angered when it didn't open.

"Sam if this is one of your little pranks, I'll kill you man!" I shouted at him.

The door wouldn't budge. I eventually gave up on pushing it open and tried to kick it down, when I did my heart sunk at what I saw. I'm sure I screamed. Everything became really slow. I just couldn't seem to get to Castiel fast enough. I pulled the blade from his body and tossed it aside.

"No, no, no, no, NO!" I cried. "Come on Cas, please don't be dead. Please Cas, please. Don't die!" the tears seemed to form quicker than they could fall.

I clutched to my angel, screaming, crying, hating myself for leaving him alone. For not calling him or texting him or praying for him when we heard nothing. This was all my fault...

* * *

 _Sam's P.O.V._

I heard an unearthly scream come from Dean and that's all it took. I picked up my gun, ready to shoot if necessary. I made my way quickly to Dean's room. What I saw made me drop my gun.

"Please Cas, please, don't die," he begged with the angel.

"Dean," I whispered as I found no pulse on Castiel, "I think he's been gone for a while."

"No! He can't be! No, no, no! He can't die! He's an aagel, he's invincible, he's, he's," Dean chocked over his own words, "he's Cas..."

I wrapped my arms around my older brother as he sobbed. Allowing a few tears of my own to fall, I swore I would find whoever did this and I would make him pay...

* * *

 _Castiel's P.O.V._

I wasn't sure what happened. I seemed to be stuck in the veil. I didn't know where angels went when they died, but I hoped I went somewhere horrible. After all I had done, that was the smallest piece of what I deserved.

The second Dean Winchester walked, well more like burst, through that door, I knew I had to turn a blind eye. But even that didn't tune out the inhuman scream that came from him. I'm sure everyone in heaven, hell, and the veil heard him. It was eardrum shattering. I looked away guilty, for I knew I was the cause of that scream of pain and terror.

"Well hiya Cas," a voice spoke that I hadn't heard for far to long.

I spun around, my voice catching. "Gabriel? Is that you?"

"Yep, it's me. It's really me baby brother."

It was my turn to collapse, sobbing. Gabriel caught me with no effort at all and wrapped his arms around me, his embrace alone enough to help sooth me. In the years I had known the Winchesters, Gabriel was the only angel who's death was not my fault, directly or indirectly. He was the only angel who hadn't been cast out of Heaven because of me. Therefore, I concluded, he would be the only angel who was not angry at me.

"Hey there. It's alright. I got you. Why did you do it Cas? Why couldn't you just hold on?" he asked.

"Don't you know? I'm the reason the angels have no wings. I'm the reason hundreds of our brothers and sisters died. They died at my hand Gabriel. My hand. It's all my fault. I deserved this," I whispered. "I deserve this."

Gabriel shook his head, a disappointed sigh escaping. One look at his face and it was clear as day he was upset and angry. I looked away, knowing that anger was directed at me. I should've known that once he knew, he'd be like everyone else. Now it was official. All of my brothers and sisters hated me. I broke away from him and went to the far corner of the strange room I had been stuck in. Sinking against the wall, I pulled my knees to my chest and cried. I was officially and forever alone...

* * *

 _Dean's P.O.V._

I clung to Castiel's body. I couldn't stop crying. I vaguely remembered Sam wrapping his arms around me. I didn't care. Cas was gone, he was dead. I only knew of one thing that might even be able to come close to saving him. And that was another angel.

"Alright now," I prayed, "listen up! your brother is dead. I don't know how he died, but one of you better get your sorry asses down here and figure out how to save him. Please," my anger disintegrated into me begging. "Come save him."

I waited for hours, and when nothing happened I yelled up to every angel left an angry pray. "You giant douchebags! He's your brother! I know he's made mistakes, but he doesn't deserve to die like this! SAVE HIM! SAVE CASTIEL!" I yelled.

When there was no answer I bit down on my bottom lip so hard that it started to bleed. A horrible, body racking sob made it's way out. I bowed my head, my tears landing on Castiel's face. I whispered one last time.

"Save him..."

* * *

 _Sam's P.O.V._

The screaming, the prayers, the sobs, the feeling of terror that echoed throughout the bunker because of my brother, was truly haunting. Each sob was more heartbreaking than the last. Each scream was more hollowing than the one before it. Each prayer was more desperate than the last. My brother loved Castiel. He had no way to tell him though because it was to late. Castiel was dead and Dean just couldn't stand it.

I was saying some prayers of my own. They were much more calmer and gave more leeway than Dean's. I didn't care though. I'd do anything if it my brother didn't have to suffer like this anymore.

"To any angel up there listening. Please, we need your help. Castiel is dead. We just need you to bring him back. Please, just bring him back."

Though my prayers were about as futile as Dean's. I started to realize that there wasn't an angel out they who cared If Cas was alive or dead. They just wanted him to stop causing trouble and since Castiel was, dead, that was a surefire way to make sure he didn't cause anymore. Though I had to admit, it was a totally douchebag move.

"Dean we need to..." Sam started, but was cut off.

"No. We have to try everything first. We have to try and save him. Please Sammy. If I had only been more careful, if I had only called him more often, none of this would've happened. Castiel is dead and it's my fault. I will bring him back even if I have to sell my soul."

"Dean please don't," I tried to reason.

The look he gave me stopped me dead. Seeing that nothing else mattered to him, he gestured for me to follow. When we were there I helped him build a crossroad demon summoning box.

"Be safe," I whispered.

He nodded and was then off...

* * *

 _Castiel's P.O.V._

The fact that Gabriel was even still there amazed me. Didn't he hate me now? For everything I had done? How could he even still stand to look at me?

"Castiel, I don't blame you. I'm sad to think that you think that I'd ever blame you. I know what'd happened and I know what is and isn't your fault. Our brothers and sisters falling was not your fault. And you did what you had to do to stop Raphael," he said, kneeling besides me. "It's not your fault and if the others can't see that, then shame on them."

"I'm no angel Gabriel. I'm, I'm nothing. I'm a no one," I sobbed softly.

He pulled me close. "So am I. We both have offenses against Heaven, but that doesn't make us who we are. We make ourselves. I left heaven and let you all think that I was dead. And for that, I'm sorry. But I left to go make myself, to make a future besides sitting in Heaven watching my brothers fight. You left Heaven and did so much more. You've saved those Winchester asshats countless times and you've saved the world. You've done more than I and any other angel ever will."

"You're an archangel though. You're choices are excusable and unpunishable. I shouldn't even technically talk to you if were being honest," my voice was hoarse. "I don't deserve your kindness anyway."

"Pfft. Since when was I ever one to follow rules? And we aren't talking as if we were rank wise. We're talking just brother to brother. So look at me and know I mean it when I say that I love you Cas. I really do," Gabriel soothed, hugging me close to himself.

I broke down crying again, unable to stand the fact the dispite all I've done, I was still loved...

* * *

 _Dean's P.O.V._

I buried the box and stood back waiting for the crossroads demon to appear. It took several minutes and I was getting impatient.

"Come on already!" I shouted.

"Hello Dean. A crossroads deal? Really? Last time I checked Sam wasn't in danger of any sort."

"Wow! Crowley, looks like you couldn't wait to make a deal with me, could you?" I laid the sarcasm on thick.

He rolled his eyes. "What do you want Dean? I have limited time here."

"Save Cas. That's all I want. Save Cas and you can have my in exactly twenty-four hours," I told him. "I swear. I won't try to get out of it or have your hellhounds killed. Just save Cas."

"Save bluebird? From what?"

"Don't play dumb with me Crowley! He's dead! Someone, I'm not sure who, it could've been a demon, a monster, or even another angel, stabbed him and killed him. Now bring him back!" I snarled.

"Dean, Castiel isn't in Hell or in Heaven for that matter. I don't know where he is. There's nothing that is alerting me of his presence anywhere. I can't even feel him in the veil. Dean, wherever your angel is, he isn't somewhere I can retrieve him," Crowley was slightly taken aback because of my snarl.

"Fuck this. Just go Crowley."

"Dean..."

"Just go! I don't have time for anyone who can't help me."

Crowley disappeared and I made my way back to the Impala. As I got in I slammed the door. Placing my head in my hands I whispered softly.

"Cas where are you?"

* * *

 _Sam's P.O.V._

When Dean walked through that door, tear stains on his face, I knew something was wrong. I placed my hand on his shoulder and caught him as he collapsed. I embraced him and he sobbed into my shoulder.

"Dean what happened?" I asked, fearing that my brother had just sold his soul.

"He's not in Hell, he's not in Heaven. He's not even in the veil Sam! No one knows where he is! He's dead, but at the same time, he isn't! Where did he go Sam!" he sobbed.

"I don't know Dean. I don't know. I'm so sorry. We could always try the angels," I suggested gently.

"I've been praying for hours," Dean said, "and they haven't answered me once. You would think they would care about their own brother unless they were the one's who killed him the first place."

Dean frowned at the thought, but went completely silent. He pushed away from me and wiped his eyes. He turned and I knew immediately where he was going. Sighing softly I followed him...

* * *

 _Castiel's P.O.V._

I don't know how long Gabriel just held me. I didn't deserve it. I never would. But he seemed to be set on forgiving me of something which I had no right to be forgiven of, but it was fruitless to argue with him. I had cried. I had cried for hours. Gabriel sat with through the whole thing.

"I'm sorry," I whispered. "I'm so so sorry."

"Shhh... You don't have to be sorry. None of this is your fault. This is what family does. They're there to pick you up when you fall."

My heart pounded in my chest. "Gabriel, why did you come here?"

"To convince you to go back. So you didn't have to live up here forever. I don't want to see that happen to you. Please Cassie, go back. Don't come up here," Gabriel begged, the pleading note in his voice hard to miss.

"I don't want to. There's nothing left for me down there. The angels hate me. Why should I go back?" I asked him. "You're the only one who still loves me."

"That's not true. Dean Winchester loves you more than you know, and so does Sam. Honestly, Dean is heartbroken without you. He attempted to sell his soul to get you back. But because of where we are, no one can find you. Please Castiel. Go back."

"I don't want to leave you. Please Gabe, don't make me go back," I cried.

Gabriel looked at me and I could almost see his heart shattering. "I can't make you do anything. But please Cas, there's nothing more for you here. Go back, live with the Winchesters, be their friend. And when they die, if this is truly what you want, come back. I'll be waiting for you. I'll always wait for you Cas, but those Winchesters care. They really do and I'm afraid if you leave them Cas, something bad might happen," he begged me. "Besides, you can't tell me you've been able to block out all of Dean's yells. Their heartbreaking screams. And from what it sounds like, their directed at our siblings. He's begging them to help get you back."

I scoffed. "They won't help him. They're probably glad I'm dead. Every time I come across another angel, all they want is me dead. I figured this is at least what I deserve."

Gabriel's eyes turned dark and angry for a split second. "Fuck them. This is not what you deserve. I promise you Cas, you need be down there. Please."

"I... I don't know..."

* * *

 _Dean's P.O.V._

"Cas. I don't know if you can hear me or not, but if you can, I just want to say I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I failed to keep you safe and I'm not sure I can live with myself. No one knows where you are and Castiel, I just want you back," I was barely able to speak. "I need you back Cas. Please."

"Dean, I don't think he's coming back," my brother spoke softly.

Tears filled my eyes and I bit my bottom lip. Clutching my knees to my chest, I hung my head and cried out.

"Please Cas! Come back even if it's just long enough for me to tell you! Castiel! Please!" I shouted.

* * *

 _Sam's P.O.V._

I felt really bad for my brother. He was really taking a beating over Castiel's death. Though there was nothing I could possibly do that would even start to remotely comfort him. Only getting Cas back would and that didn't seem likely.

I watched his cries turn from sobs, to nothing more than soft flowing tears. He stood up, his legs like jello, and he kept wobbling so badly I had to help support him. He made his way to his bedroom where Castiel lied, dead. Dean took out a white sheet and carefully covered the angel.

"Sam, do you, do you think he at least got to go and see Gabriel? He deserved to see his brother again," Dean whispered.

I shrugged. "I don't know Dean. I hope he did."

Dean nodded. "I think he did. I think that's why no one can find him. Because he's truly home now. I just need to let go. So I am."

God, the weary and sad tone in his voice was heartbreaking. I placed my hand on his shoulder as he quietly said his last goodbyes to the angel.

"Goodbye Cas. I'm glad you're finally where you belong. I hope you get to spend the rest of eternity with Gabriel. I'm sorry all of the other angels hated you. I just want to say that I love you. I always have..." his voice trailed off.

My heart shattered and I looked at my brother concerned. He still had tear stains on his face and he still looked like he had lost the love of his life, but I could tell he had really let go.

"Do you want to help build the pyre?" I asked him softly.

Dean nodded and stood up slowly. "I'm ready."

But I knew deep down that no matter what he claimed, Dean would never be ready...

* * *

 _Castiel's P.O.V._

"Cas, are you okay?" Gabriel questioned.

I looked at Gabriel. "Did... Did you hear him too?"

Gabriel nodded. "Do you believe me yet?" he gave me pointed look.

Tears slid down my cheeks and Gabriel wiped them away softly. I was a fool. Gabriel had been telling the truth, he always had Dean Winchester really did care for me and I had left him. That had hurt him.

"I- I want to go back Gabriel. I need to go back. I'm sorry. I wish I could stay with you, but Dean and Sam, they-" I was cut off by Gabriel.

"They need you. I know. I was trying to tell you this the entire time, I just couldn't get the message through your think skull," Gabe whacked me on the back of the head. "Maybe listen next time."

I nodded and hugged him. "I love you brother."

Gabriel smiled softly, hugging me back. "I love you also. Go take care of those Winchesters."

The next thing I knew I was back in my vessel, surging upwards, the sheet falling off my chest...

* * *

 _Dean's P.O.V._

We had just finished the pyre when Cas' vessel walked out of the bunker, completely unharmed. We both drew our guns and he shook his head.

"It's me Dean. Those won't hurt me."

"You were dead, no one knew where you were. Why should we trust you?" I questioned.

"It's... It's a really long story," he said.

"We've got time."

Taking a deep breath, the angel began his story. I wasn't prepared for what I was about to hear...

* * *

 _Sam's P.O.V._

"...And that's when Gabriel convinced me to go back. I'm sorry I did this," Castiel concluded his story.

Never before had I seen such pure anger in my brother's eyes. He pushed Cas up against a wall, growling slightly. Cas was taken by surprised and tried to get out of Dean's grip.

"I thought you were dead. I thought another angel or demon had killed you. How dare you even attempt suicide. I tried selling my soul to get you back Cas! If I had known I wouldn't have even tried," Dean's voice had a dangerous snarl to it.

Castiel's face visibly broke, but he held his head high, trying to prevent himself from crying. "Well Dean, I'm sorry I couldn't be strong like you," he whispered and pushed Dean back.

He nodded curtly at me and then ran off in the opposite direction...

* * *

 _Castiel's P.O.V._

I collapsed to my knees. Dean had no idea how much his words hurt. I had been right, no one cared. No one ever did. I was currently in the middle of the woods, trembling with fear and tears. I looked up at the sky, which was growing alarmingly dark, and started to yell.

"You were wrong Gabriel! They don't need me! The Winchesters never did and never will! So why did you force me to come back here?! I needed to die! It was my time!" I shouted angrily at my brother who had caused me this heartache.

Nothing happened except it starting to rain. It wasn't long before I was soaked. I could've cared less. Dean Winchester hated me, my brothers and sisters wanted me dead and I was all alone. That's when it became clear.

I had nothing left to hold on to.


End file.
